My job has completely ruined the holiday season for me.

I can't bring myself to do any of the things I have done for the last three years that I've been off on my own. Little things to keep a small sliver of merriment in my life during this time of year, which is the most stressful time of year in retail.

I have been under such a crushing blanket of stress and foul attitudes from coworkers and customers alike.. I feel like Christmas has officially been broken for me. Everytime I stop and realize what time of year it actually is, I falter. My mind has breezed past Christmasas a defense mechanism, as its just a time where I feel nothing but crushing guilt. Guilt that every penny that I have has gone to bills. Guilt that I can't do anything at Christmas other than just show up. And even that, I can't afford.

This has been by far the most gut-wrenchingly horrible year that I have ever had. I've cried more this year than I have in many years. I've gone to bed angry, upset and so so sad more often than I'd wish on anyone. I've spent more time than I should sleeping, because sleeping is free and I don't have to feel guilty. And I don't have to think about the job I could lose at any time. And how that job makes me realize that the one thing I used to be good at, working really really hard, I'm not so good at in the eyes of my superiors anymore. Nothing is ever good enough.

I'm just so tired of disappointment, and disappointing everyone.

I just want one thing to be good. One thing I don't have to feel guilty about. Just one.

I used to really really love Christmas.